dirtbags

5 steps to becoming a world-class dirtbag

Before we begin, let’s examine what a dirtbag is:

“A person who is committed to a given (usually extreme) lifestyle to the point of abandoning employment and other societal norms in order to pursue said lifestyle. Dirtbags can be distinguished from hippies by the fact that dirtbags have a specific reason for their living communaly and generally non-hygenically; dirtbags are seeking to spend all of their moments pursuing their lifestyle.”

Every single one of these dirtbag attributes is easily achievable, and I’ll show you five easy steps on how to get there.

1. Quit your job

This is the most obvious step. You no longer have time for cubicle life. Gone are your weekend warrior days.

For your dirtbag aspirations to come true, you must stop what you’re doing right now at work. And quit.

By doing so, you will undoubtedly find little to no work in your chosen industry when your dirtbag days expire. But that is not the point at the moment. Worry about those headaches when the time comes.

2. Quit your relationships

Total dirtbag devotion requires a solitary, single-minded lifestyle.The more you work on maintaining your relationships with phone calls, e-mails, Skype and all that other garbage, the less quality time you have to pursue what is most important in life: Dirtbaggin’.

A true dirtbag has no qualms whatsoever about canceling plans with people at the last minute, even if it means friendships will be lost. You have one friend, and one friend only. And that person would be you.

Don’t let silly things like love and attachment deter you from your dirtbag goals. Be prepared for numerous challenges along the way.

What might seem like an attractive, suitable, and maybe even long-term mate is really just a major distraction.

Remember, always stay focused, dirtbag.

3. Drop out of society

Don’t pay rent. Don’t pay bills. Don’t own a cell phone. Don’t drive a car. You have one singular goal in mind, and it’s dirtbaggery.

The moment you start participating in society is the moment you’re forced to prioritize between something precious like sweet, sweet powder and something lame like having a roof over your head. Do not make this mistake.

If anyone attempts to force you to pay rent/bills, casually walk away and never return. It’s time to move on. The same is true if you happen to find yourself paying for a bar tab.

Ultimately, you want people to say “I don’t have a freaking clue where he is these days” when your name comes up in conversation.

4. Sleep anywhere

A dirtbag will—and most often prefers—sleeping wherever he/she can hang a hat. The closer to the action, the better. Plan on tackling burly climbing routes in the morning? Crash within walking distance.

It doesn’t matter if you sleep on private property, on a sandy beach, or in a supposed “no camping” zone. What matters is that the moment you wake up, you’re there. Rules no longer apply to you, dirtbag.

Grow accustomed to the idea of never owning a quality bed again.

5. Never shower

Showering is a big no-no in the dirtbag community. Grime and body odor is good. Scientists said something about the health benefits of not showering, but I can’t remember what. Just know you are doing the right thing.

Breaking down and showering is a total waste of time, and maybe even money if you were suckered.

You are, however, allowed to splash cold water on your face. Swimming in rivers also counts as showering.

Congratulations. You are now a world-class dirtbag.

Now, get off the computer you’re borrowing and the wi-fi connection you’re stealing, and go live your dirtbag dreams. I’m proud of you.

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