3 steps to enjoying the woods with your lady

Guys, let’s say you’re slowly starting to coax your apprehensive wife or girlfriend or mail order bride out into the wilderness.

You’re essentially in a “make or break” situation here. Make, and the two of you will be frolicking hand in hand over long dusty trails for years to come. Break, and you’re on your own buddy.

Follow these three easy steps to have your gal pal skipping showers and snagging fish barehanded in no time.

1. Comfort

The great outdoors isn’t always so great when you’re uncomfortable, especially if you’re camping. Remember, a little preparation goes a long way.

Be sure:

  • the “bed” is cozy. Passing out in the dirt is a respectable trait, but it’s unacceptable for her.
  • to build a fire. Keep her warm.
  • to pack fun stuff from home such as boxed wine, cards or a good book.
  • to pack bug spray that works.  I recommend All Terrain Herbal Armor Insect Repellent.
  • to plan tasty meals.  One of my favorites in camp is Backcountry Thanksgiving.

2. Confidence

Look, you know you’re lost.  You know that’s an aggressive bear defending her cubs.  And you know there’s always a slight chance you’ll be struck by lightening.

The key here is to not show it.  Don’t act like a sissy.

That bear hurling lightening bolts your way? Not a problem.

Things will only get worse if you’re not confident.  Don’t compromise your decision making with a weak mind.

3. Game Plan

Don’t just dive into the woods willy-nilly.  Go over maps, distances, routes, and weather together.

The worst thing you could do is say “babe, let’s go bushwhack our way through a mosquito-infested swamp in the hopes of finding somewhere suitable to camp before the sun goes down and we freeze to death. Cool?”

See, I told you it would be easy.

I hope I’m not coming off as a sexist pig who thinks women are incapable of holding their own in the woods. I know better than that.  There are plenty of women who would put my skills to shame.

And of course there is more to this than making the bed and getting your wife drunk on cheap boxed wine.

Bottom line: it’s best to be considerate. You’re working as a team, after all.

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37 comments

  1. Hi,
    Good points. But they would never work on me. 😆
    I’m strictly your Hotel type of girl, with a great bed, nice hot showers, and good food that is prepared for you with no mess left that you have to worry about, after all it is a holiday, or a weekend away right? 😀

      1. No, I’m not the camping type, my Husband loves camping and goes camping a couple of times a year, usually to the beach and goes fishing with the rest of the guys. We do own a great tent, and a heap of camping “stuff”. I have been caming twice, that was enough for me. 😆

      2. Hey, I guess it’s not for everyone. I have heard people ask “why would I volunteer to be cold and dirty, and sleep on the ground?”

      3. Mags, it just occurred to me that you should write the “3 steps to talking your annoying husband out of going camping” guide. Ha!

  2. Oh, you sexist thing!

    Just kidding….very funny post! It doesn’t take much to get me up for camping. Pretty much just saying the words…’Hey, why don’t we….’ , and I’m already in the vehicle yelling…’hurry up!’. : )

  3. Had a bear destroy our tent once, looking for food in it I guess. The thing was about 50 feet away from us when we saw it. Crapped our drawers and hit the boat until it was finished and gone.

  4. Great Post – tht reminds me to put “knows way around the wilderness” on my list of attributes for my next husband or whatever he will be – I love to camp and I am going to save a copy of this and leave it laying around somewhere for whoever he will be to find – and see what he does with it 🙂 i’ll let you know how it goes but don;t hold your breath cause there isn;t anybody that will be anything at the present moment – but things can change fast.

    oh and I tagged you 🙂 http://runningnakedwithscissors.wordpress.com/2012/02/23/i-got-tag-teamed-sounds-fun-i-know/
    CHeers !

    1. Tall. Dark. Handsome. Rich. Looking good, looking good. How about Knows Way Around The Wilderness. No? Sorry buddy. Not gonna work. Next.

      Standards are a must, Lizzie. Haha! Thanks for the tag!

  5. From the perspective of a female version of a seasoned backpacker and tent-dweller who has gone a week without a shower and learned to master the art of using a facilitree for weeks at a time: AMEN.

    1. I probably should’ve interviewed you for this post. What did I miss? Damn, sounds like you really get out there! Any big trips coming up?

      1. No big trips in the plans yet, but I did live in a tent in Alaska for 4 months (we showered weekly at the YMCA). There are ways to make camping comfortable. I do not recommend the wine – dehydration is never good when backpacking – but the idea is nice.

      2. Epic. I’d say you know your stuff. We typically don’t bring the wine along on big backpacking trips, but we’ll bring a disposable box of the stuff on short trips (an overnighter, for example). I hear ya, though. Too much, and you’ll be dreading life on the trail the next day.

    1. Patience is key. I think it defines any good relationship. You’d probably dig camping, Guap. Try to stay as comfortable as possible so you’ll think about going again. Let me know if I can help with suggestions or tips.

  6. “babe, let’s go bushwhack our way through a mosquito-infested swamp in the hopes of finding somewhere suitable to camp before the sun goes down and we freeze to death. Cool?”

    Sounds fun to me! I remember one time my dad and I went hiking in the Tahoe area in early spring, and, because of the snow, we lost the trail and had to bushwhack our way down the damn mountain. It took us about 5 hours to finish the last 3 miles, and it’s still one of my favorite hiking trips.

    1. Hey, no pain, no gain, right? There’s nothing like a brutal bushwhack to get you feeling all fuzzy inside. It’s pretty awesome it turned out to be one of your favorite hiking trips.

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