5 ways to achieve a chiseled mountain man physique

Let’s face it: hitting the gym is boring. If standing in front of a mirror watching yourself pump iron while some sweaty dude with no neck grunts nearby is your thing, we probably don’t have much in common.

I’d like to think the average reader of this blog is into the outdoors, and has a hard time spending any amount of time indoors, especially at a place that smells like a million-year-old gym towel.

Here’s the thing, though: You don’t want to be the fatso eating s’mores by the campfire.

I’ve compiled five techniques to help you achieve that chiseled mountain man physique you have always dreamed of. You’re welcome.

1. Wrestle bears

Choose your bear wisely. A grizzly will straight up kick your ass, no problem.

You might stand a fightin’ chance against a black bear, in which case you’ll need to be prepared.

Study bear movements religiously, and know exactly what to expect from a pissed off bear.

Keep in mind that bears do enjoy wrestling, it just depends which mood you catch them in. If possible, try to coordinate a wrestling match with a bear a day or so after his elk dinner.

Over time, you will notice subtle changes in your appearance. The body of a bear wrestler is envied by all.

2. Be a lumberjack

"Sup ladies? Yeah, I'm just chillin' in front of the book store. With my ax."

I went to college at Northern Arizona University, home of the Lumberjacks.

Outside the book store there is this ridiculous statue of an absolutely ripped lumberjack doing his thing (see photo at right).

By the looks of it, one could easily conclude that being a lumberjack is conducive to being buff.

My suggestion to you? Start chopping down trees with whatever ax you might have. At first, you will have no idea what you’re doing and chances are likely you will get arrested.

But that’s OK.

Because a few months from now, you will have no problem walking around town—or campus—with your shirt off, your ax shining in the sun.

By the way, I looked almost exactly like that statue when I graduated.

What? Don’t believe me? Ask my wife. She’ll tell you.

3. Fight fires

Let’s say you have a pool party coming up this summer, and you’re looking to get buff right away. The easiest way to do so is to sign up for a fire fighting crew, such as the Hotshots.

Here’s how it works: no real food, long hours, extremely difficult terrain in sweltering conditions, and hard physical labor.

Give it two, maybe three weeks, and you’ll be looking stacked. Plus you’ll be temporarily employed by the government, which is a fairly sweet win-win.

4. Regularly do ridiculous thru-hikes

Try to be one of those people who can casually claim to have thru-hiked the Pacific Crest Trail every summer. “Oh, it ain’t no thing, really.”

If possible, squeeze several thru-hikes into your spring, summer, and fall hiking schedule. You will be ripped by default.

5. Be a climber

Ever notice how every climber you meet has no body fat? What’s up with that? Well, like our fire fighters above, they too do not eat. The only thing a climber thinks about is climbing, leaving him with no time to eat or think about eating.

There is absolutely no way you will not get buff if you spend entire days pulling your body weight up huge granite walls for fun.

But please, for the sake of others, take a shower at least once every other month.

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15 comments

  1. LMAO this is so hilarious! I love backcountry camping but am seriously petrified of running into an angry bear. I think I would faint right on the spot. Looks like I need to start on religiously studying bear movements. You sound like you know what you’re talking about =P

    1. I’ve wrestled a few bears in my day. And I’ve actually won a match or two!

      You’re totally right though. Seeing a bear in the wild is kind of scary at first. I’m pretty sure I’d get my ass kicked by any bear, no matter the size. Ha!

      1. Do panda bears count? Sure, they’re cute and cuddly, but something tells me they have a mean side. You might be wondering if I have experience with panda bears or something. The answer to that question is, well, no. Crap.

    1. All you have to do is say the “H” word, and my dog is ready to go! Love hiking with my dog. Maybe we’ll see you out there, Bongo!

  2. I’d like to begin by sayin’, HAHAHA … Love the injected humor but I believe you. The five ways you weave into the post are all true. Hell true,especially the first one, especially if you do that everyday. 🙂 Seriously though, these ways could really give you a chiseled body. I believe that. It’s up to the reader what to choose among the the five. As for me, I’m effective with number 5. Been maintaining my weight for 6 years now and hiking did a lot as for that.

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